dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
