dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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