My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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