Will you blow on my dice?
Screwed.edu
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
