Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
