You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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