Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
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