I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
