dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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