my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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