Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
