He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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