Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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