He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
