dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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