Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
