I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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