We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
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He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels