that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it