I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
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We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
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ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell