New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
