Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
