I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
