working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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