She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
