Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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