I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
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i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
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My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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