please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
