My cat gives me a boner
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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