Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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