You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
