I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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