Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize