u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
