And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
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Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
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Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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