I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
