Moan for me like Helen Keller
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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