plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
