we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
