Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
