drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
