is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
