How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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