If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
