I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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