Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
