i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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