People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
