"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
im on a boat
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