Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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