$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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