You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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