I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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