i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
