good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
