I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
