Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I need to wash the frat house off of me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You ruined the universe
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
