apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
We're hate flirting, damnit.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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