I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
