How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
