you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
