I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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